I was watching A Baby Story recently, a charming show chronicling the last few weeks of a pregnant woman and her quest for an ideal birth. Once the program begins, I cannot look away. It’s like a train wreck. I usually end up critiquing the actions of the parents-to-be prior to the birth, making fun of their quirky behavior and irrational expectations regarding how they want the birth to go. And then I cry my way through the birth, the first time baby is put into the parents’ arms. Bring on the Kleenex, I am a sobbing mass of quivering empathetic mommy, especially if the birth involved first-time mothers and fathers.
I remember going through those emotions, that uncertainty. But, I swear, some of these first-time parents are just utterly disconnected from anything resembling rationality! Really. They make me worry about the gene pool. It keeps me up at night.
I watched an episode where the expectant mother and her spouse went shopping at the health food store. And I watched 5 minutes’ footage of this couple choosing dozens of jars of organic baby food for their baby. Why did this set me off? Why did I turn off the TV before even the wondrous event of childbirth? Because I caught a glimpse into the dysfunctionality of our parenting culture.
So, I decided to write a letter to these dear, well meaning people:
OK, now that I got that off my chest, here is some sage advice on how YOU TOO can buy yourself a little pocket of time to do such things as watch the ending of A Baby Story, or perhaps to get SOMETHING done while simultaneously parenting little kids. Here’s how to get about 10 minutes to yourself if you are the parent on duty and you have children older than 2 yet younger than 5. The main ingredient is a jar of organic creamy peanut butter (Do I need to state the obvious and say that your child should be at least 2 and not exhibit signs of peanut allergy? *sigh*), two plastic kid-friendly knives, and a pile of crackers. Place children at dining table. Give each a (plastic, kid-friendly) knife and plate and 10 crackers. Open the peanut butter jar. Tell them to make peanut butter cracker sandwiches. Hide the dog (because, really, washing peanut butter off the yellow lab is not fun). Now, RUN!
When returning after 10 minutes, bring baby wipes and a sense of humor.