A lot of people who know that our third and FINAL offspring is also our only male child have asked how I and my husband are handling the “boy” stuff. I’m assuming they’re not talking about the logistics on how I physically handle the fact that my baby has a penis.
They are, in fact, wondering how we’re handling all those DIFFERENCES.
When my usual blank stare doesn’t clue them in, I just tell them that we have noticed no difference at this stage. Because, for fuck’s sake, he’s 6 months old. What I wish they asked me was how my husband and I intend to make all three of our kids into really awesome people of substance. But they never ask me that. *snf*
Yes, those differences. I’ve actually been thinking about it a lot– like since I became a parent. I’m fascinated with the idea of gender-specific play. But more than that, I want to get ready for the ensuing battle. My kids are going to public school with the children of traditional families. They won’t be spending a majority of their play time with the children whose parents I hand-picked for being awesome, open-minded, LGBT-friendly people. I want to parent my kids in such a way that they are less liable to fall into those adolescent patterns of behavior where they segregate by gender and take on some of what I see as the more noxious of peer-driven behaviors: exclusion, teasing, bullying.
I see the playground at my kids’ school as THE PLACE WHERE IT ALL BEGINS! The boy running around pulling down the girls’ pants, the “let’s tease that GIRL for wearing camoflage” behavior — basically, to be quite blunt, the place where sexism and, yes, even our rampant rape culture, starts. In my humble opinion. I want to raise warriors for social justice, people who will BE the change.
I know there has been lots of science committed to figuring out the biochemical reasons there is so-called “masculine play” and “feminine play” in children — and, although there is evidence that suggests such play is attributable to hormones during fetal development, I think even the words we use in such experiments doom us to failure. What is “masculine” and what is “feminine” anyway? These words are becoming much more nebulous as my world view has changed. It’s not so much black and white in my mind.
I, surprisingly, or not, am no scientist *shock!!* My own interest in the way kids play is more of an interest in watching the effects of society and culture on child’s play. Because I want to raise good people.
We didn’t choose “gender-appropriate” toys when the girls were babies. They didn’t get Barbies and the fucking pink Legos. Their toys were oriented around their interests. So, puzzle books, musical instruments, blocks, dolls, science/experiment kits, Matchbox cars, dress up, books books and more books. We haven’t tried to impose a certain type of play onto them. When Laurel played gleefully with a friend’s kitchen set, we figured that would be a great thing for her. So we acquired one. And she was thrilled. Yay for thoughtful parenting! We try to get them toys and books that speak to the complex bundle of interests that make up their play.
I’m really quite interested in watching that intersection of how the 8 year old plays with other girls than how she plays with boys. I honestly haven’t seen a huge difference in 8 or so years of parenting. The boys who play at our house go for the same things Kelsey does: Lego stuff, Star Wars lightsabers, dolls, and the train set.
It’s interesting to me that when the 6-7 year old girls are playing together, there seem to be more “family” scenarios, where there’s a traditional family unit consisting of mom, dad, baby and sibling. Often I’ll notice that the girls have decided that there are two mommies in the family, and that’s absolutely acceptable in their play. *squeeee!*
When one or both of my girls play with the boys in our community, I notice different motifs, but I can’t be sure if they are attributable to gender or to age, or just a difference in the instruments of play. They pretend to be dragons (but.. still a FAMILY of dragons!) when B comes to play. When M comes over to play, there are sword fights, and the play is more physical. But the girls do these things on their own, too. When J plays, he just wants to join the kids in whatever they’re playing with. He’s very versatile. As are my kids when we go to other people’s houses. They play with what’s available, with whomever will play with them. Sometimes someone doesn’t play fairly. Sometimes, someone gets smacked in the face, either on purpose or accidentally. All of this is within the norm of kid play. We talk it out, apply the band-aids, give a cuddle, make sure everyone is playing fairly with one another. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?
So, now we have this little boy. I can’t wait to get to that point where I can gauge his personality and put interest-appropriate toys in his reach, and help him develop all the different parts of himself through child’s play. The nurturing person, the innovator, the creative type — we are complex animals. Play is that amazing space where we learn about our world, and how we want to interact with it.
What do you think? Do you view child’s play as a neutral gender zone?