Not knowing exactly what the term means, I pondered for awhile, to see if I could figure out for myself a clearer definition as to what exactly a soccer mom is and why it’s used so pejoratively. I know I’ve heard “soccer mom” used as a way of denigrating women who engage rather more participatingly in their children’s youth sports program than they should. They are the ones who ask the coach why THEIR darlings are warming the bench, or why Sally never gets the ball on an offensive play. But, let’s not confuse “soccer mom” with the overbearing parents we see at kids’ soccer events. This term needs some qualification. I have personally seen moms and dads at soccer events who take “cheering on their kids” to the extreme, berating their kids or the coaches for the level of play on the field. I think we can come up with a better word than soccer mom or dad for this behavior. How about “fuckbucket?” That works for me. Soccer moms cheer and can be a little pushy. Fuckbuckets berate and really should be given some anti-anxiety meds and family therapy for aggression.

I felt a little closer to getting what soccer mom means. Next, I asked Dr. Wikipedia:

The phrase soccer mom generally refers to a married middle-class woman who lives in the suburbs and has school age children. She is sometimes portrayed in the media as busy or overburdened and driving a minivan. She is also portrayed as putting the interests of her family, and most importantly her children, ahead of her own.

Yes, according to this definition, I can see why soccer moms are such douchebags. They care about their kids. Yep. Down with them all, and their busy Google calendars and cheery bumper stickers. They should all die. </sarcasm>

The Wikipedia article goes on to explain that the word was coined by political consultants, and that Bill Clinton actively campaigned for the support of these suburban women, who were seen as the potential swing votes in the 1996 election. It was the word of the year that year. Since then, the word has somehow earned a negative aspect. Not as bad as “hockey mom” and its attachment to Alaska ex-governor Sarah Palin. But it seems that in the zeitgeist of 21st century mainstream pop culture, “soccer mom” is the opposite of sexy, desirable, empowered woman. She is just a stupid broad who doesn’t bring home the bacon OR fry it up in a pan.

I sought a deeper understanding, so I tried to call up some imagery of what I see as a typical soccer mom. “Soccer mom” brings to my brain an image of a mom getting the exhausted kids into the car after soccer practice, with all their gear. She is tired from work, or from being home all day with the kids, but she’s THERE. She is present and actively engaging with her kids to help them have extracurricular activities they care about. She brings them out for an ice cream after practice. Then they head home, and she makes dinner, with the help of her awesome partner, and the pair get kids to bath/bed. That’s how I see a soccer mom. Because I’ve been one. Is that what YOU think of as “soccer mom”? If not, why not?

My question for you all, and for my dear friend whom I’m NOT picking on at all (well, perhaps a little?) is this:

When you call someone a soccer mom, do you actually mean something else? Is the soccer momness the thing that so bothers you, or is it just a common denominator that also includes OTHER elements that you find offensive? Is she FAT, too? Or a Christian? Or a Republican? Is she dumb? Or a shitty driver? Does she call her kids “fucktarts” or yell at them constantly? Does she care about her nails and hair too much, or not enough? Does she *gasp* wear sweat pants? What exactly is the offensive characteristic that you are using the umbrella term “soccer mom” for? Can you be a soccer mom AND a progressive, liberal, hippie, pagan, dirty-fingernailed, intelligent woman who treats her children fairly and with empathy? Does that mixture help or hurt? Why or why not?

Would I be a better, more attractive woman if I worked overtime every weekday and had my kids in daycare? Am I less valuable because I have the time to spend with my kids, to take them to sports events in the family minivan and treat them to ice cream? Lots of moms don’t even have this option. They just don’t have the time. Or they make different choices that are completely valid in their household. They make it work. Are they better than me? Worse? It seems that moms are damned if they do, damned if they don’t engage in soccermommery now.

In short, what are you sneering at when you use that term so negatively? Do you even know?

Huh. I guess I am a soccer mom. Now get the fuck out of my way. We’re late for practice.

For those new readers who haven’t been reading my blog for years, I am a self-taught expert on dealing with pediatric constipation and stool withholding. After weaning my now five-year-old daughter at age two, constipation has been a challenge in our family. We’ve consulted a number of physicians and GI specialists. We cut lactose completely from her diet. We tried any number of solutions, none of which worked for more than a few weeks. We learned that some children just suffer from functional constipation — which is, constipation that doesn’t have a medical cause.

It barely needs mentioning here that if your infant or young child suffers from constipation, a number of conditions need to be ruled out medically by a GI specialist. Getting a diagnosis of functional constipation is important as a first step to moving toward a methodology for treating it that works for you and your child.

Friends with good intentions have suggested a number of solutions over the years. I’ve, of course, tried them all, before they even suggested them. Still, I would listen patiently to the advice to add prunes and prune juice, to try mineral water, etc. Others tried to suggest that it’s a behavioral issue. She’s a stubborn child. She’s lazy. She’s misbehaving. She wants to still be “the baby.” The one that hurt the most was when they blamed me for not giving her enough attention.

My little girl suffers from encopresis, a fancy word for stool withholding. Encopresis occurs as a result of constipation. It’s the psychological conclusion to a biological problem. As a matter of fact, according to this article on KidsHealth.org, MOST cases of stool withholding (about 90%) are due to constipation.

Why does a child withhold stool? Fear of pain. It’s that easy. Eventually, as your child gets older, more complex issues arise, such as depression, lack of self confidence, fear of repercussions. It’s a vicious cycle. A child withholds stool out of a fear that trying to pass it will hurt. So the cycle continues and worsens. Adults who don’t understand the condition actually make it worse by punishing, threatening, and belittling. Any caregiver of your child needs to know the facts. That means informing grandparents, daycare workers, babysitters, and other adults in your child’s everyday life so that they know what their responsibility is toward helping the child overcome the condition.

What’s it like to live with this challenge? Here’s a snapshot:

About six weeks ago, Laurel sneakily ate two bananas, in a row. Bananas are very binding, so we usually don’t even keep them around. But I was having a craving, so I had a bunch sitting around for me to snack on.

Anyway,  we were, prior to this, DONE with the encopresis, finished with accidents, totally over the constipation. For months. After the bananas, there was, apparently, a painful attempt on the toilet. And voila, we are back at step one in the cycle of encopresis.

We know the routine. Increase the Miralax, up her hydration, cut the juices with water, moderate dairy, increase the ruffage, add more raw veggies, make sure she gets more exercise, and hope it works itself out in a few days. Sometimes we give a small dose of ex-lax to stimulate her colon. One of the side effects of encopresis can be decreased muscular reflex in the colon. She may not feel the urge to poop. A stimulant can help, as long as it’s given with the advice of a doctor and in moderation. In most cases, we experience one or two steps back at this stage, and then fast forward to where we were before the binding event. Done.

Not this time. And I think compounding the problem (so to speak…) was another significantly upsetting change in her world: A newly pregnant and very distracted  mom who was all of a sudden having trouble staying awake, never mind keeping track of her child’s eating and defecating cycles. Because having a child with this challenge takes vigilance. I have to be aware of what she’s eating, and tracking when she’s going. At some point, she will outgrow this condition. Until then, it’s my responsibility to help her succeed and remain positive and motivated.

Four weeks pass without any stool. Followed by a week of leakage in her panties as some of the softer stool makes its way past the obstruction in her colon. We’re now in that stage where talking about dietary changes is a waste of time. The psychological component is all that matters. I clear my calendar for the week, take a few days off from playdates, outings, appointments, socializing. It’s important to help her preserve her self esteem and work on her confidence so that she can succeed in battling the fear. I offer positive reinforcement and lots of affection. We read a lot of stories on the toilet, take warm baths, and go for walks.

It’s hard work for the parent/caregiver. I’m not perfect. I get impatient. I lean on my awesome husband and good friends to help keep my spirits up. Cleaning panties all day long, bleaching out the sink a few times a day — these things wear a parent down. Having a good support system in place, especially if you are home with your child all day long, is essential. You are your child’s cheerleader. And when you get worn down, impatience, frustration, disappointment and even parental depression are the results. Of all the literature I’ve read thus far on this condition, I’ve never read an article that talks about the parents’ emotional needs. So I’m mentioning it here, and it may warrant a separate article. Get some support. Make sure your needs are met, that you get breaks and time away to refuel.

Anyway, eventually, my little girl gets to the point where she wants to negotiate with me for positive reinforcement. She’ll do an art project — a poop chart, and she’ll come up with some ideas for rewards. She’ll start getting into the idea that there is at least ONE positive aspect to her succeeding on the toilet. Sometimes it’s a trip to the museum, or a toy she’s been wanting. We talk about what she needs to do to accomplish her goal. And then, with the external motivation in place, she’ll make an effort. After a few attempts, she’ll succeed, and she’ll realize the OTHER motivation to making the effort. Relief. And then we’re on the road to returning to normalcy. I follow through on the external motivation. But the more important one is the internal one. I now have a child who is proud of herself, again, for making the effort to take care of her body’s needs.

If your child suffers from encropresis, too, there are some excellent resources for you. Honestly, just plug in “encropresis” on a google search. Pick the top 10, and you’ll read something useful. You can even read about other mommy bloggers who have children who suffer from constipation. One of these is the awesome and completely hilarious Heather Armstrong at Dooce.

Childhood constipation is a relatively common condition. The myth is that adding prunes or prune juice to your child’s diet will work magic. But it’s a lot more complicated than this. First of all, you can’t force feed a child, or you have even more complex problems down the road. Prunes and prune juice do not work if you can’t get your child to consume them. And when constipation leads to stool withholding, it’s not the food that is the root of the problem. It’s the fear. There will always be times when Laurel eats something binding, doesn’t drink enough water, etc. You have to have a system in place for taking care of the biological component, and giving your child the psychological tools she needs to help her succeed.