A lot of people who know that our third and FINAL offspring is also our only male child have asked how I and my husband are handling the “boy” stuff. I’m assuming they’re not talking about the logistics on how I physically handle the fact that my baby has a penis.

They are, in fact, wondering how we’re  handling all those DIFFERENCES.

When my usual blank stare doesn’t clue them in, I just tell them that we have noticed no difference at this stage. Because, for fuck’s sake, he’s 6 months old. What I wish they asked me was how my husband and I intend to make all three of our kids into really awesome people of substance. But they never ask me that. *snf*

Yes, those differences. I’ve actually been thinking about it a lot– like since I became a parent. I’m fascinated with the idea of gender-specific play. But more than that, I want to get ready for the ensuing battle. My kids are going to public school with the children of traditional families. They won’t be spending a majority of their play time with the children whose parents I hand-picked for being awesome, open-minded, LGBT-friendly people.  I want to parent my kids in such a way that they are less liable to fall into those adolescent patterns of behavior where they segregate by gender and take on some of what I see as the more noxious of peer-driven behaviors: exclusion, teasing, bullying.

I see the playground at my kids’ school as THE PLACE WHERE IT ALL BEGINS! The boy running around pulling down the girls’ pants, the “let’s tease that GIRL for wearing camoflage” behavior — basically, to be quite blunt, the place where sexism and, yes, even our rampant rape culture, starts. In my humble opinion. I want to raise warriors for social justice, people who will BE the change.

I know there has been lots of science committed to figuring out the biochemical reasons there is so-called  “masculine play” and “feminine play” in children — and, although there is evidence that suggests such play is attributable to hormones during fetal development, I think even the words we use in such experiments doom us to failure. What is “masculine” and what is “feminine” anyway? These words are becoming much more nebulous as my world view has changed. It’s not so much black and white in my mind.

I, surprisingly, or not, am no scientist *shock!!* My own interest in the way kids play is more of an interest in watching the effects of society and culture on child’s play. Because I want to raise good people.

We didn’t choose “gender-appropriate” toys when the girls were babies. They didn’t get Barbies and the fucking pink Legos. Their toys were oriented around their interests. So, puzzle books, musical instruments, blocks, dolls, science/experiment kits, Matchbox cars, dress up, books books and more books. We haven’t tried to impose a certain type of play onto them. When Laurel played gleefully with a friend’s kitchen set, we figured that would be a great thing for her. So we acquired one. And she was thrilled. Yay for thoughtful parenting! We try to get them toys and books that speak to the complex bundle of interests that make up their play.

I’m really quite interested in watching that intersection of how the 8 year old plays with other girls than how she plays with boys. I honestly haven’t seen a huge difference in 8 or so years of parenting. The boys who play at our house go for the same things Kelsey does: Lego stuff, Star Wars lightsabers, dolls, and the train set.

It’s interesting to me that when the 6-7 year old girls are playing together, there seem to be more “family” scenarios, where there’s a traditional family unit consisting of mom, dad, baby and sibling. Often I’ll notice that the girls have decided that there are two mommies in the family, and that’s absolutely acceptable in their play. *squeeee!*

When one or both of my girls play with the boys in our community, I notice different motifs, but I can’t be sure if they are attributable to gender or to age, or just a difference in the instruments of play. They pretend to be dragons (but.. still a FAMILY of dragons!) when B comes to play. When M comes over to play, there are sword fights, and the play is more physical. But the girls do these things on their own, too. When J plays, he just wants to join the kids in whatever they’re playing with. He’s very versatile. As are my kids when we go to other people’s houses. They play with what’s available, with whomever will play with them. Sometimes someone doesn’t play fairly. Sometimes, someone gets smacked in the face, either on purpose or accidentally. All of this is within the norm of kid play. We talk it out, apply the band-aids, give a cuddle, make sure everyone is playing fairly with one another. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?

So, now we have this little boy. I can’t wait to get to that point where I can gauge his personality and put interest-appropriate toys in his reach, and help him develop all the different parts of himself through child’s play. The nurturing person, the innovator, the creative type — we are complex animals. Play is that amazing space where we learn about our world, and how we want to interact with it.

What do you think? Do you view child’s play as a neutral gender zone?

I’m knocked up. Again. For the last time. For fuck’s sake.
And all this can be blamed on Kansas City Chiefs’ safety Bernard Pollard, whose shoulder connected with the left knee of New England Patriots’ QB Tom Brady in game one of the 2008 football season, taking out Brady and dashing SuperBowl hopes for the team and fans.

As it was, not giving a damn about either the Steelers or the Cardinals, I did NOT don my Patriots jersey with pride first thing in the morning on SuperBowl Sunday. I, instead, decided to sneak into the shower with my husband.

There I was, innocently washing myself, when we decided to engage in a little pre-game warm-up while the kids were happily playing Littlest Pet Shop in their room. If it were the Patriots, we would be WATCHING the pre-game on the TV. But it was Cardinals v Steelers *yawn*.

Thus it is that through the miracles of mysterious hormonal normalization in women nearing 40, spontaneous ovulation, and bending over to get the soap, we now have a little blastula that I shall name “Oops.”

Stay tuned for more juicy gossip. I’ll be in my bunk, trying not to throw up on “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and sending bad thoughts to a certain KC Chiefs safety.

Monday night, we walked to dinner at Brigham’s, right down the trail from our house.

Tuesday, my mother, niece, and nephew hijacked the girls and me, and we did lunch at an awesome li’l Greek diner on Mass Ave in Arlington, followed by food shopping in nearby Burlington.

Wednesday, friends invited us over to their house for dinner in Natick, followed by playing Rockband. It was my first Rockband experience, and I must say that I rock at singing. It said so right there on the game console. I rocked it at 98% my first try! So, evidently, I rock. On the way home from Natick, we stopped by another friend’s house to pick up some of the husband’s stuff and played more Rockband. I rocked more. And I must also brag on my man’s SWEET drumming skillz. Oh, yes, he has skillz.

Thursday, we had a Boston adventure, negotiating the bus and subway transit with kids with something akin to aplomb. We walked around a bit, got coffee and comic books, and managed not to get lost thanks to Allen’s mad mass transit knowledge. Although, next time I will bring my sling for Laurel, as she’s smallish and apt to be trampled in the 5-o’clock rush to get home. I held her the entire way on a crowded, standing-room-only subway. Not very comfortable.

Friday, my mom took the kids and me to Rainforest Cafe in Burlington Mall for lunch. The lunch experience was awesome for little kids, and mine were enchanted with the decor, the fish, the animatronic elephants, the volcano (towering structure of brownie, ice cream, and chocolate sauce that was teh yum!). And in the evening, I joined a few friends (and a roomful of people I don’t know yet) for some folk singing and got some me time.

Saturday, we spent an incredibly easygoing, lazy day in Maine at our friends’ lake house, swimming, boating, relaxing, and sunning ourselves. 

And Sunday we returned from our Maine trip and finally discovered that there is a floor in the bedroom/office under all those boxes! We now have a functional bedroom/office!

Altogether not a bad week!

This week, I’ve found the local swimming spot and watched my kids play in the water for 2 straight hours; watched a matinee with the kids when the temps soared near 100 degrees; got lost on the way to a friend’s house in Melrose; helped out another friend who needed emergency last-minute childcare for a few hours in Ashland (and got a close look at the traffic challenge in both directions!); got lost in Medford looking for a store; walked to my first doctor’s appointment; and may have landed a new part-time, writing-from-home gig from a former employer.

Lots of challenges remain, but I’m making the transition with little stress and, of course, a huge appetite for MORE interaction with friends. And now to convince the best friend in North Carolina that she needs to move near me, get my stupid dog back (*sigh* — I miss her), create a portal linking Florida and Alabama family so that they are nearer,  and then life will be damn-near perfect *knocking on wood*.

So… changes. Lots of ‘em. I have to get used to the sound of sirens going by outside our house, the traffic noises, as we live on a fairly busy street, the proximity of PEOPLE. They are everywhere! People walk on the sidewalk outside our house, fly by on bikes and skates and on foot on the Minuteman Trail out in back of our house. People live above us, in the second-floor apartment. It’s a return to living among people, multiplied by 100. I haven’t lived this close to others since college. I’m both frightened and excited about this dramatic change to the way I live my life.

In the end, it’s just another house. That’s what my 6 year old said to me last night at bedtime. She was letting me know that she is OK with this move. “Mommy, wherever we live, it doesn’t matter, cuz it’s the same.” And it is. I forget sometimes that big changes such as this aren’t as big if you’re little. Saying goodbye to schools, friends, neighbors was not heart-breaking for my kids. Their worlds are still small. Allen and I are the sun around which their lives revolve, and as long as that stays intact, it doesn’t really matter too much. Sure, they will miss their friends, their lives in NC, even the house we left behind. But mostly, they are fine. Eager, in fact, to experience new things in their new home and town. Life is small. I envy that a little. I’m learning from them, though. It doesn’t have to be so hard.

One thing we did have to let go of is our dog. But she is in good hands. My friend sent me this picture of Tommy yesterday. She is fine, looks a little slimmer, and appears to be resting on a leather couch. We look forward to visiting her.

Kids and dog have survived this big change. Allen loves living in a city, and is enjoying his new job. I am totally ecstatic to be living near friends and family. It’s good. Change. I’m tired, but that good tired, that muscle-sore, backaching tired that means I’m doing things that matter.

My friendships in NC will survive. Distance is not an obstacle in true friendships. And now I will get down to the business of living in a new city. After the obligatory two cups of coffee, of course.

Hello, Bostonians!

This is rather long. If you’re reading it from a feed or other source, I apologize! I can’t seem to do a cut with this version of wordpress.

I checked out this site to see what our current consumption of natural resources looks like, to get an idea of our starting point. Here is a synopsis of our life as it is today. For an explanation of the measurement system used here, please read this. Basically, the measurements are in global acres, which is the approximate number of acres it takes to sustain the rate at which you’re using up earth’s resources. At the rate our family is going now, it would take 4+ earths to sustain life on this planet if everyone lived at our same usage.

Carbon footprint
I drive approximately 60 miles per day to transport kids to and from school. Together, Allen and I probably put 10,000 miles on one car, and close to that on the other car, per year in our current housing situation. We live on the outskirts of Greensboro, in a rural area. We thought we’d love it. It’s quiet, and the sun sets in our backyard every evening. But the cost in terms of fossil fuels used is pretty high. So, our carbon footprint is much higher than we’d like. Right now, with our current lifestyle, our carbon footprint equates to about 59.4 global acres/year. The national average is 91.4, so we’re far below the norm. But there is much room for improvement that will translate to big changes for our family in the coming years. More on that in a minute.

Food footprint (and some carbon)
We buy organic when we can, but we also have to be cost-conscious. And, unfortunately, buying organics and local foods can be expensive, both because of the higher price, and the fact that we have to drive out of our way to get them. The availability of good local produce is low. We can get some seasonal vegetables at our local farmer’s market, but not near enough of the fruits we consume can be found from local farms. We’re doing what we can afford. And I consider where the produce is coming from before I buy. I’ll buy oranges from Florida rather than California, because the amount of fossil fuels used to transport the fruit to my area is part of the equation. Although we live in a rural area, most of the farms in our area produce corn (not food grade, mostly) or tobacco. There is a strawberry farm nearby, but that provides a favorite fruit for just a few weeks of the year. There were more roadside stands in Rhode Island than there are here, a fact that puzzles me quite a bit, with all this land around us. Our food footprint equates to 42.9 acres/year. The national average is 65.7. If we were staying put, I would plant a vegetable and herb garden to help offset that number. We have a .75-acre lot, and there is plenty of space. But we’re not staying. Which brings me to talking about our house.

Housing footprint
We have far too much space for our family. Our meager, hand-me-down furnishings look lonely in our sprawling 2,400 square foot brand-new house. It’s more space than we need. We have central heat/air, and we try to keep the thermostat set at a reasonable temperature. It’s a very efficient house, as it’s new, so our bills are not terribly high. But the fact that we have so much space feels wasteful, and heating/cooling this much space is a definite burden. In addition, we have a lawn, and there is pressure from our neighborhood housing association to upkeep our lawn, both for the home values of our neighbors and ourselves, and to sell more houses in our development. I used to think I wanted more space, because I don’t like crowded rooms. And I thought I wanted a yard — room to run and play. But it takes gasoline in our lawn mower to keep this lawn trimmed, and watering is sometimes necessary. IF I want less crowded rooms, I need to simplify our furnishings instead and find a way to use storage space more efficiently. And if I want to run and play, I need to bring my kids to a nearby park. Overall, our housing footprint is too high, at 29.6 acres/year, close to the national average of 31.6. I’m not proud to be your average American in this regard. This number needs serious slashing.

Goods/Services Footprint
We recycle everything. Our community supports recycling, and most times our recycling trash is far more than our regular household trash. We buy recycled paper products when we can, and we don’t replace things in our house unless they cease working. We’ve had no new furniture, choosing instead to recycle furniture from friends or family, except for 6 dining room chairs I’ll be giving away before we move. Currently, our goods/services footprint equates to about 27.4 acres/year. The national average is 57.4, so we’re moving in the right direction here.

Big changes
All of this brings me to the exciting part! Change! It is happening now!

Allen is now living in Arlington, staying with friends. He began working last week at an awesome company in nearby Cambridge, and he is very happy. He flew for this relocation, as there is a dearth of affordable parking in the area he’s staying. He bought a monthly public transportation pass for the Boston area, allowing him unlimited travel on public transport to get around. He can take the bus or subway to most of his destinations. The cost is low, compared to the cost of gas and maintenance and (increasing) costs of insurance. Once we join him, we’ll be selling one of our cars. So our fuel/insurance prices will be cut almost in half.

And the carbon footprint should be changing as well. We’re relocating to a city, so shopping is closer, schools are in walking distance, public transportation is abundant and cheap. We won’t have to spend excessive amounts of money and fuel traveling to see grandparents, as my family is within a 20-mile drive instead of an 800-mile drive. Of course, we’ll still have to travel to Florida/Alabama once a year at least to see Allen’s side of the family, but we’ll try to stagger that with their visits to us to cut down costs.

We’ll be moving into an apartment with a smaller amount of square footage, which should mean a decrease in the amount of energy we consume to heat/cool. This is not guaranteed, as we don’t know about the apartment’s efficiency elements or medium of heating yet. But we’ll do our best.

There are a number of local farms that have co-ops in the Boston area, so getting fresh produce during the growing season should be somewhat easy. Since we consume almost no meat now, having adopted a mostly vegetarian diet for health reasons, the way we eat has seen a dramatic change. We don’t consume red meat at all, and very little chicken or pork. Some friends of ours are doing a meat co-op, and if we DID want to consume some meat, we could help support local farmers. We’ll continue to make conscious decisions about where our food comes from, hoping to support local agriculture or at least throw our money at companies that transport food to us with the least amount of fossil fuels possible.

As far as our goods used, we already use such things as Craig’s List, yard sales, friends, freecycle, and EBay to get slightly used things for our home. And I’m a huge fan of buying from Salvation Army or other non-profit companies for things such as clothing and furniture. In return, we donate our used things back into the system as much as possible, trying to reduce the landfill space it takes to accommodate our waste.

Overall, our upcoming move will help decrease our current usage of natural resources from a rate of approximately 160 acres/year to 101/year. We hope to keep decreasing that number as much as possible, through conscientious decision making and finding ways to offset our uses of natural resources.

What are YOU doing? Do you have suggestions for other ways we can help?